Yeah...but why?

This phrase, more than any other, has made me weird.  Weird in the way that I don't hold firm to most doctrines.  Weird, that I like to read insane amounts.  Weird, that I can't be religious although I was raised in a very religious family.

Like an annoying 3 year old from Louis CK skit, I ask "Why" about almost everything.  Why do we drink cow milk?  Why do we make paper from trees?  Why do we wear pants and not skirts? Why do tables have 4 legs and not 5 or 6?

I learned a long time ago, that saying that question out loud was really bothersome.  Luckily, my parents taught me how to read early and I read often.  I used that skill to begin try and anwering my own questions.  Many, I found answers for.  At least ones that would satisfy me long enough to move on to the next Why?

Eventually, however, some of those Why questions would lead me  to question the religion I was brought up in.  I hold them partially responsible.  The LDS (mormon) church teaches that we are to "search, ponder and pray".  To strive diligently after knowledge.  They were the inventors of "continuous improvement" teaching that we existed before we born, that life is a time to learn and grow, and that learning and growing will continue for eternity until eventually, we know enough to be "gods and goddesses" of our own.   Heck, the BYU unoffial motto is D&C 93:36   "The Glory of God is Intelligence.."

So, I believed them.  I believed that learning was righteous.  That searching for the truth was noble.   And it IS.  LEARNING IS AWESOME.

In math, 2+2=4, no matter how you were raised or what your culture taught you.  Likewise, the Pythagorean Theorem of A squared plus B squared equals C squared works every single time and for every single person.   As a kid, information like this really appealed to me.  There was solid TRUTH out there.  Real answers to all of my Why questions.  The natural sciences of Math, Biology, Chemistry, Paleontology, Archeology were fantastic.  Even the softer sciences of Psychology and Human Behavior were fascinating.  All of them answered WHY questions.  Even if some of them changed over time (ie, dinosaur extinction theories) they were still based on evidence.   And if other evidence was found contrary to that theory, then the old theory was questioned and a new one created.

From a pure logical perspective, this is relatively straightforward.  Once you learn that the world is round, it can no longer be flat, once you learn that lightning is static discharge from friction created between the earth and clouds, Zeus loses a bit of his power.

All this intellectual curiosity is great for the world.  When you use the same lens on religion, especially the one I belonged to, it is a bit destructive.  From a pure logical perspective, this is relatively straightforward.  Once you learn that the world is round, it can no longer be flat, once you learn that lightning is static discharge from friction created between the earth and clouds, Zeus loses a bit of his power.  The LDS church holds itself up as being the Restored gospel of Jesus Christ, the most correct and the only way to heaven.  Its scripture, ordinances, and even leadership is held up as divinely inspired.

My challenge then became one of cognitive dissonance.  I had been raised to believe that my religion was TRUE.   That it came directly from God.  God who by definition was Our Father in Heaven, who loved us and was infallible.  That the leaders of the church from Joseph Smith forward had been called of God, and inspired to share his Word.  Therefore, the information should be trustworthy and even more important, consistent.  That makes sense, right?  Perfect source, trusted delivery mechanism, good result.

Wrong.  The more I looked, the more problems I found.  Initially, I rationalized that perhaps it was just human failures, using the preface to the Book of Mormon as a guide. "And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ."   

With that as an internal compass, it excuses many faults and behaviors.  Ones that I understand as well.  As moral and honest as I want to be, I know that I lie and have done some immoral acts.  Just because I haven't been moral, does not mean morality is wrong.  Likewise, I have no problem separating Message from Messenger.  A flawed hammer still pounds in nails.  This thought process excuses or negates many of the Anti-Mormon arguments that JS was lecherous or a gold digger or cheated on his wife or whatever.
For me, the life of the messenger has almost no bearing.  The message, however, does.  I don't care about the personal character of Sidney Rigdon or the childhood of Joseph Smith.  Those are interesting, but not critical.

What is critical is the message, purported from God-a pure source of knowledge. The concept of revelation, of inspired translation, of ancient emigres to the Americas.  Of continued revelation to include the translation of the Pearl of Great Price and the Doctrine and Covenants.  All of those are critical.  They assert that God spoke to these people.  That he gave them direct instructions and information to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man".  That is critical.

Then the trouble starts.  The Why questions begin.  Why don't we have the Gold Plates anymore? Why did Joseph need the plates at all, if it was all just divinely inspired?  Why did it take so long for God to "restore" what was lost?   Why do we not read the Pearl of GP very much if it is scripture like the rest?  Why do current translations of Egyptian not have anything to do with the facsimiles I have seen all my life?  Why are some revelations from JS held up as scripture and some revelations are not?  Why did the Church stop polygamy?  Why did the Church start giving black people the priesthood?

The more I questioned, the less answers I got.  The more I read, the more things I found that were contradictory.  If the source is supposedly perfect, and the message is 2+2=4 and then it changes to no, its now 2+2=4.5.  It makes one question the validity of the source.  "That's just the way God wanted it" is a crappy answer.  It's the equivalent of telling your kid "because I said so".

Thinking back, I probably wouldn't have had such a problem with the LDS church if it didn't assert to be true, and yet have so many obvious flaws. Because it held itself as true, it had to be all true by its very definition, and if it wasn't all true, then the entire premise was flawed and essentially became a beautiful building with no foundation.

Kitchen Lawn

Minnesota Winters are LOOOONG and very mono-chromatic, so I planted some grass to help get through the lifeless phase of the year.  You would not believe how good it smells when I trim it.  Close your eyes and it smells like summer.....

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Biology

Very well written article on Epigenetics. That just as genetics can impact disposition and behavior, behavior can potentially impact us biologically and that biological change can be passed down to our children regardless of their upbringing.  Obviously I'm not explaining it as well as the author. Read the article.

https://medium.com/matter/945462826399

Initial post - Introduction and reasons

It has been an interesting few years that have led me to this point.  I am currently on full medical disability from having epilepsy.   I have dealt with this from the age of 14, but it wasn't really an issue until two years ago.  I had seizures before, but they were fairly well controlled with medication.  That all changed fairly dramatically.  I went from a few major seizures a year (very easily to deal with) to several a week.

Between the seizures themselves and the drugs prescribed to try and control them, I lost most of who I was. One of the things taken from me was my ability to read, to reason, to write.  All of which were things that I valued highly and took for granted.

In the last few years, I have essentially become homebound. Unable to drive, unable to hold a job and unable to retain more than a few thoughts together in my head.  It has been a humbling experience. I was very egotistical about my intelligence and about my ability to think.  I prided myself in my IQ and my love of reading.  I remember thinking very clearly about how that would be the worst punishment for me.  Not incarceration or even loss of limbs.  The worst punishment I could think of was to not be able to read. Seems a bit ironic now. Those abilities were stripped from me and it has been a bit of a journey to regain them and him be the first to admit that I'm not who I was before.

As of today, my days consist of making sure I stayed awake all day long, making sure that I exercise, making sure that I go through the checklist of  getting the chores done that I want to and more increasingly that I read more and more difficult things.

This has been the test that I've given myself over last few years. I would read things of varying difficulty and if I could remember them then that was a sign of improvement. It started off with children's books and then if could remember them, I progressed to reading young adult novels and then to harder novels and nonfiction. The challenge was not that I was able to read but that I was able to retain that information.

I had the same vocabulary and ability to read, just not retain it or often, even comprehend it.  My children joked that I really only needed two books and two movies. I only needed two of each because by the time I finished one of them regardless of the difficulty, I was ready to start the other because it was brand-new for me. My ability to hold things in my short term memory was very very compromised. I could remember things from five years ago without difficulty but I would often forget to zip up my pants.

I can quote a line from Shakespeare that I read 20 years ago, but I have no idea what the plot is of the book I read last year.  I am still re-reading things that Amazon says I read on my Kindle last year, but have no memory of.

So, this blog is about that journey.  Some of the posts will be about whatever I am thinking about, since that is all I do anymore.  Some of the posts will be links to articles that I find fascinating at the time.  My fingers don't always work the way they should anymore and so I use Dragon Naturally Speaking.    Voice type has come a long ways, but it still isn't perfect.

Feel free to call me out on spelling mistakes or grammar issues, I know I've done my share of both and won't hold it against you.

Thanks for reading,

Scott